Have I Done Enough Today?

I was reading a lot of literature today for my psychology class particularly on mindfulness and the concepts like increased awareness, being present in the moment, self-compassion and accepting things as they are. Now, if your like me, my mind jumps to pictures of serene yoga poses in front of vast oceans and pictures of fluffy life things. Ironically,I was reading about how "mindful behavioral therapy" works while spacing out and trying to compile my list of "to-do's" for the evening.

One of my favorite pictures of my parents. 

But my fiance brought up this totally weird thought last night while we were getting ready for bed and turning all the lights off in our house. Could I have imaged last year on this day that I would not only be standing in a room full of endless baby.... crap.. lol, but as a mother, a soon-to-be-wife in the here and now of today?? My life has changed so much in the last five years. Ironically, again, I also am celebrating almost 5 years since I graduated high school, the 3rd Christmas without my dad, 2 years since I graduated from nursing school. As cliche as it sounds, i'm nothing like the person I was five years ago... When posed with that question I couldn't have even imaged what the process of growing and birthing a human being was going to be like. I couldn't have imagined that even at 3 months old, i'm already letting my baby do things I said 'never-ever' to.

Why do people let themselves get so busy? I feel like I have pressure to be all these things. To wear all of these hats of 'life' all simultaneously. Am I enjoying the ride enough?

It's like a shot to the gut about how delicate your day is. My baby is already three months old and i'm constantly saying how it feels like she should be so much older, so much bigger, because it already feels like she's always been here. But then, I also have times where I hear her kinda giggle for the first time and watch her learn new things, while I'm excited she's growing and learning, it scares the shit out of me that it's happening all so fast. I look back at her baby pictures already and think to myself 'gosh I didn't realize she was so little'. What will it feel like in 20 years from now looking back on those pictures. I can't even fathom a faint thought.

Sometimes I fear I've taken on too many tasks for myself. Not only am I taking a degree by correspondence,  but i'm planning a wedding, being a mother, blogging (or at least attempting), trying to exercise, eat healthy, and be a good wifey, all while attempting to maintain a social life of some sort. What's going to give? Three months have flown by, have I already missed the crucial things? Some would probably say yes, these are the days to cherish and remember for all time. Others would say no, they wont remember anyways. Should I be more mindful? Let my school slack, concentrate more time on my daughter? Yes I have a year off my nursing job, but my new job is being a mom. I know next September these two things will have to merge when I return to work. Am I going to survive? Will I regret not spending enough time in the here and now while I have the chance to. I'd love to stay home, but alass that isn't possible in normal circumstances in this day and age. I really would love to, but I know I'd have to make a lot of sacrafices, not only for me but for my families future. Should I soak up the sun persay and eat up all the baby I can now. Who know's maybe the answer is to just have enough babies till it's cheaper to stay at home (hello grotesque dayhome bills!) Ha. I'd probably lose my mind.

Even considering the pressure of all the hats I must wear, and the pressure I put on myself.... am I showing myself enough self-compassion.... I WANT to work, I WANT to be doing my school, and exercising , and still be a good mother all at the same time. If you asked my fiance he'd say i'm doing more than a good job and just being terribly hard on myself. Is this true? Should I cut myself some slack?

While I don't have as many of life's answers as I'd like to have, I do know that my dad passing really showed me one thing. You have to appreciate and love what you have today. That person you lay next to at night, you may want to strangle them a little sometimes but one day you will wake up and they wont be laying next to you. No matter how old you are 5, 10, or even 50 years may feel like it's a long time, till it becomes time pasted. Then your just left wishing you had more time. I wish I had more time with my dad. I hope I can make up for my time lost there by giving extra to Avah and Glen now.... That probably means I should hurry this up! haha.


“You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you.”– Frederick Buechner