Life with a new Little Love

When I first got pregnant, I had a range of emotions (mostly fear). Would I be a good mom? Would I be a scary person after in the eyes of my fiancé? Would I be able to be enough? And love enough? And give up my care-free, major-holiday-twice-a-year, healthy eating lifestyle? What if I miss those things?

When my baby was born, I sadly did not have the connection I had thought I would. And it scared me. I drove home numerous nights from my job, while I was pregnant, with big crocodile tears in my eyes thinking about my dad never having the chance to meet my new baby, about the father I just knew my husband would be, about the beautiful memories I would have from this life changing day. I never thought about myself in that position until near the end. And when I did start thinking about it I never had those crocodile, welled-up, lump in my throat tears. And that was TERRIFYING.

At last the beautiful day arrived (by that time I was begging the `D-Day` to rear its head... and quickly). I was admitted to the hospital and my husband had that moment.... that holy S**T, I’m going to be a parent the next time I leave this place moment.... I was just hoping I would finally be able to see the skin below my belly button, without the use of a mirror.

My daughter took her time to arrive in this world. 21 hours from time we were admitted- type of took her time. It was a whirl wind and a large amount of overwhelmingly new experiences. But when my baby finally made her entrance into this world.... nothing.... I watched as my husband`s eye welled with tears, my mom watched over my new daughter with anticipation and excitement. I felt nothing, I was just so relieved it was over. I was crushed that I didn`t cry about the birth of my daughter. I, at one point, tried to force myself to cry. Not a single tear shed.

I felt that overwhelmingly crushing feeling of emotion. How was I supposed to be a good mom if I couldn`t even be so happy I cried about her finally being here.

But at last we were released from the hospital, a purgatory of sorts, and we made our first trek home.

We took everything. The blanket she was handed to me in, her little cap, her bassinet paper, everything we could to remember her first marks on this world.

I was finally home with her, ready to finally be a mom, to have the holy S**t moment.

I can say that today my daughter is now 10 weeks and 6 days old, and it still hasn`t happened.

BUT I have had a little epiphany of sorts. My life is completely different, yet exactly the same. It changed in all the right ways, yet the things that made me, me, those haven`t changed. My husband and I didn`t find it difficult to cook meals those first few weeks. I actually ended up throwing out some of the meals we had cook ahead of time. We still eat really healthy like we did before. We still grocery shop every Friday night like clockwork. I love those things about our life, I loved OUR special routine. Avah just became a part of that special routine. Now, instead of snuggling into bed to watch Netflix at 8, we are bathing and playing with Avah.

We have all heard the terribly tacky cliché’s that one day you`ll never be able to remember what life was like before them. I remember but, I wouldn`t go back to those days before her.

Photo Credit: Little Moments Matter Photography

I realize now that even after you fix the nursery just right, have everything washed in perfume free soap, have all your organic, dye-free, crap-free everything, that none (and sadly... I truly mean none) of any of that matters. Am I a good mother?? Absolutely. Am I a perfect mother? No. no I am not. And I’m okay with that... mostly. I still have so much time and so much love to give to my daughter but I know that time and love, are the two most important things I could give her. And the most beautiful thing about children.... they forget the past quite quickly... they don't care you ate the whole 8 pack box of chocolate bars this week while hiding in the pantry. They don't remember that you nearly dropped them face first in their kiddy tub when you were taking them out (...oops, CAUTION turns out bubble bath makes babies really slippery). They most of all don't care you didn't cry the minute they came out. They just care that you love them, snuggle them, and feed them. And DAMN. I do those things well.